Changing Focus

Well now that the relationship side of me is calming down, I am pulling more focus to the fact that I have a huge trip planned to California at the end of the year. I am so excited! This will be one more place off of my list. I will be flying out on December 22nd with my good friend Eric. We are staying with his family out there. We'll be going to Hollywood, Disneyland, wine country and anywhere else he wants to take me. Then we are taking the train back home and ringing in the New Years. I have never been on a train before. I wanted to do as much as I can. I have to catch up on the years I lost sitting around not traveling.
John is sad I won't be around for the holidays. This will definitely be a test for us. I have a superstition about New Years. The person you are with on New Years Eve, is the person you'll be with the rest of the year. I think I broke that last New Years when I was with Clay. He moved to New York a month later. So I think I'm free of that. It'll be fine. He can just suck it up. Besides I told him he can kiss someone on New Years, but just a peck.

Thinking Things Through

John stayed over Friday night. It was pretty wonderful having him around. All Saturday morning we just lounged. Well, the topic of marriage did come up as a hypothetical. Now, I am in now way shape or form to get married again. He hasn't even said I love you yet. Even if I do go down that path it won't be for years. Let's face it, I'm not the best in choosing men and I don't want a sticky divorce again. That was painful enough the first time. Having said that, we worked out details. The one truly thing wrong with the picture, I would have to be what is called the bread winner. That did not sit well with me. I understand he is radio and dj's on the side, but you can't expect to live like that forever and have someone else pick up the slack. You're the man for crying out loud.
Knowing this is how he's viewing what a long term relationship would look like, I may reevaluate a few things. For starters, the one key thing I have been wanting from the next long term relationship is someone to take care of me for once. The problem is when you say that, do you mean emotionally or financially? Money has never been priority in my life. I make enough to enjoy life, not to where I struggle. Now bringing someone else into the equation, I would want them to be as equal. I don't want to have to change my lifestyle because of artistic differences. Well, not to mention, I want to be the creative one. I hate working the typical job. I want to write and be creative. If you have the college education, You need to do something more with it.
Point two, does he really think he can be just a DJ for the rest of his life? Is there really a future in that? I mean it's good for now, but there is only so far you can go with that unless you own your own company and have people underneath you. I know Jerry and him are going into business together, but areas are so saturated with DJ companies. How much business can you expect to get? What if you need to take a vacation? Who covers then? If you get sick, what about insurance? You're sure as hell not going on my plan and jacking my rates up. Then of course there is the flirting thing. Do I really care to hear about the women flaunting over my soon to be husband? I find that to be immature and ridiculous. I am too old for that game.
Bottom line, this will get brought up again at some point. It's inevitable. I'll just say, don't get too comfortable. You may have to man up and take responsibilities for your family's future if this is the direction we go in eventually. I can not be the only one doing all of the work.
Now, emotionally, he is very supportive and caring. He pays attention to my needs. He can sense when I'm upset. He doesn't push the envelope. I know he would do what ever needed to be done to make me happy. Is this what I mean by taking care of me?
I'm kind of lost in translation on this one. This is why with time and patience hopefully these questions will be answered.

So in Conclusion.....

So I ended up talking everything out. Of course there is good explanation. It was exactly how I thought. He was just posing for a picture. Unfortunately the girl who took it didn't post the rest of them. He was so apologetic. We discussed things. I closed with what I thought was the perfect statement. I said" I don't want to come across as the girlfriend who freaks about everything but, just mind your actions. I feel better since we actually talked about things. Previous relationships, I would make myself sick just thinking about what the other person would say. "You're overreacting! What are you talking about? you're psycho. It doesn't look bad, blah blah blah." I use to run every scenario through my mind to prepare myself for the worst. With Jack, it's something I need to get over. He is not like that in the least. I have to remember he is not like the rest. He doesn't fly off the handle as quickly. He listens to what i have to say.

Minus this incident, this relationship has been one of the best. I am keeping my fingers crossed that maybe this might be something long term. I am not one for dating. It's so awkward and you never know if you're saying or doing the right thing. I just prefer to step out of the market. Just because your off doesn't mean you can't be a sassy independent. You had to know at some point I was going to use that in a blog. :)

Interesting....To Say the Least....

Well I broke down and decided to be exclusive with the younging and things are great until this morning. I'm not sure how to feel about this yet. I feel like I want to pounce him on this but yet what if it was innocent and I'm just being stupid.
Well my new found boyfriend went out with some friends, of course I couldn't go. I had rehearsal and besides it was far away. This morning I woke up feeling so wanted when I received his text message from last night saying he wished I was there. It felt good for once to have someone I'm seeing think about me when I would think they were too busy. Then I got on facebook this morning and came across a picture taken last night of him with some strange girl in his lap. Hmm... What would you do? Of course I had to post the picture. Any thoughts? My first reaction was, "WTF," but then I thought maybe there is an explanation.

Now I have only known the guy since June. I don't want to jump to any conclusions, but my bottom line is, when I'm with someone, I am aware of my actions. I think with the other person in mind. Now having said that, I'm freaking out in my mind because what if he is one of these guys who think it's appropriate to allow women to hang on them because they know who they are coming home to. I just don't care for that in the least. Have respect for your partner and don't put yourself in that situation. You can politely say, "Get the f*** out of my lap please." You don't have to let them do what they want just to save face.
I just hate dating. This sucks. You never know the person you make the commitment to until later down the relationship when you are already attached. Well I have no problems kicking them to the curb. I want what I want. if I can't get it, it's time to move on. Thank you for listening to my rant of the day.

Saying Goodbye

Well I have come to the painful conclusion it's time to let Jim go. I can not keep beating myself up about the past and my choices. I can not sit here and think there is a possibility that we will be together. He lives in North Carolina. I'm here in Ohio. He hasn't even tried to keep good contact with me. Even after I sent him messages, the conversations have been dropped. I don't I want to be with someone who doesn't want to make the effort. I love myself more than that and I deserve better.
I can't dwell in the past when there are so many possibilities in the future. So I wrote him a goodbye letter on my computer to relieve some of the things I would like to say to him, but if I did he would think I'm crazy. I will keep it tucked away and never look at it again. For I will cry my last tears over "The One That Got Away" and I will hold my head up high and press on. For life is too short and too precious to stay still. Not to mention, I don't want to carry this baggage with me when someone wonderful comes along. They don't need that burden. I need to give myself completely and not think about him anymore. His chapter is closed for good. Goodbye Jim. I wish you a happy life, good health, and above all, love. Goodbye....

You have Got to be Kidding Me?!

SO Jack, the younger gentleman,and I have been unofficially dating. Well I finally told the "nice guy" about us seeing each other. Now, don't get me wrong, I understand that he was going to be upset. I actually counted on it. I tried really hard to make this as easy as possible, but I didn't account for this type of reaction.
He proceeded to only make comments about himself. "Oh this keeps happening to me. Oh woe is me. I'm use to another man charming people away from me, etc..." Never once did he say to me, "I just want you to be happy." Even after I went on and on about I want him to be okay. I don't want this to hinder our friendship. I care about you. I'm worried about you. He did not say anything. Then he tells Jack not to bring me around if he's there. HELLO!! We have the same friends. Who are you to dictate my relationship!? What a selfish little boy! I never once said that what we had was going to amount to anything. I said this is just for fun. It is not my fault that he decided to fall. Not my problem. I tried so hard to make sure that he was okay. What do I get in return? Nothing. Not even a thanks for being honest with me. Oh he did say good luck. What the hell is that suppose to mean?
Sorry for the rant. Sometimes my emotions get the best of me.

The Younger Gentleman

Well, I have a couple things to say this morning. First, on Monday, I had one of the most romantic nights with a certain gentleman. We stayed at a hotel with an in room Jacuzzi. He had candles, champagne, and rose peddles in the bath. It was amazing. But of course reality hits me and I'm kind of overwhelmed. This gentleman is eight years younger. I have officially hit cougar status and I'm only thirty-one. Yikes!
Although we are not officially dating, that possibility is definitely there. He is sweet, manly, attentive, and compassionate. All things that I am looking for. I just don't know if I can get pass the age thing. I don't know if he is done with the party stage of life. I am well over all of that. The friends he has, are they like frat guys? He claims to know who he is and the direction he is going, but is it actually true? Does he just think this when in reality there is a lot of growing up to do? He is definitely mature for his age. I will give him that but is he mature enough? Then there is the own the road things in life. He claims that if he doesn't have kids that's fine. Well, considering I think I don't ever want kids, he may not have a chance if he sticks with me. Then there is the fact I'm still not sure about getting into a relationship too son. He understands this, which is good but how long will he stick around before growing tired of me?
I wish I had more answers instead of an abundance of questions. The only thing I can do now at this point is control my behavior and not dwell on it. This is going to be hard considering I'm naturally an over analyzing person...

Just an Observation

I just had a thought today for some reason. You know how they say the first person you are with after ending a relationship is considered a rebound? Well what is it considered if you already have just been having a good time with a few gentlemen and then you may get serious with one of them. Is that still under the category of rebound or are they upgraded to a new status? I am just really confused at this dating portion of being single. Unfortunately there is one gentleman who I would consider to get serious with, but I don't want to right now and I don't want him to be a rebound. This is a terrible situation. I'm afraid to mention him to people just because I am not ready to hear, "Wow that seems soon!" Although I have been separated since October of last year. How soon is too soon anyways?
My sister the other day told me that I'm still not allowing myself to be fully alone since I'm spending time with other men. I really have been spending the majority of time on myself but is it wrong to have some fun too? Well, in my books, you need an oil change every 3000 miles, if you know what I mean. I guess I'm sending out the wrong vibe, she says. According to her, I will always find the wrong guy if I continue this pattern. I really don't want to start a pattern here. Granted, I'm not looking for a relationship but it's nice to have a date once in a while just to keep me up to date on what's going on in the dating world. This may sound like a jumbled mess but I have been pondering this for a while. It just needed to be said.

Commitment Free Zone

Well I finally told "the good guy" about the other. He took it well but of course he said he was a bit jealous. I totally get that but maybe it's best to leave some thoughts in one's head.
So now that 's done I don't have to worry about keeping things low key. Well it's not like I'm going to cowing it. I just don't want to have to hide my attraction. That's all.rr
Although I'm a bit conflicted. I felt that this other person wasn't right for debut I'm starting to find that he might be. Granted he knows I'm not making any commitments for a long time and he is completely okay with that. Plus there is no pressure for me to just commit. I do like him a lot. I have been honest to myself about that. I just don't know what could happen but the fun part is I get to wait and see...

Mind Over Matter

        After spending an interesting night with the so called"bad boy", I have finally got a taste of what that relationship would be like. I was helping him with work. I went to get food for us and finally ended the night watching T.V. and passing out. Now this doesn't sound like any type of night that would define where this relationship goes, but you have to look closely, really closely.
       Well when I arrived, there was no greeting. No recollection of him even excited to see me. Okay I'm not going to knit pick, but to me it's kind of important for you to show me that my efforts are noted. I didn't even get a kiss.
        Then once work came to an end, I had to finally say something about food and on top of that, I had to go alone and get it. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm a big girl who can go get food by myself, but why was it my idea? Why did I have to worry about us? Also, I finally got a kiss...when I asked for it for all of the hard work I did. Hello problem. This is becoming a little too one sided for my liking.
        So maybe you're thinking, "well this is the part where you leave him and pick the "good guy." Well you would be wrong. Even the good guy has his flaws. He's very attentive, kind, sweet and always trying to take care of me. The down side is he has a lot of growing to do. He needs to figure out what he wants for himself out life. He is not in any shape to put me before his needs.
        When I got divorced, I made a vow to myself I would rather be single than get back in that type of enabling relationship. I want someone who will take care of me and my needs. Then in return I would take care of him. So far I haven't found that. It doesn't make me feel sad. I really don't want commitment at this point in life.
       

I'm Broken and Unable to be Mended...Well, in One Aspect of Life

        It's 1:35am and all I can think about is him. The one that has plagued me in my marriage and any future relationships that I will ever have. The one that somehow got away all because I couldn't wait it out nine years ago. You ask who is this person now? You have not talked about him. Well, there probably isn't anyone reading this but one can pretend. So I'm going to answer this question weighing on your imaginary mind.
        His name is Jim. He was what I believe even now, you would call a soul mate. It's been nine years and I still play back the time we spent together. I made some poor choices then out of immaturity. I proved to fate I wasn't ready for him. So she took him away as quickly as he arrived.
        I will never forget. We met on a cold December night just as my current relationship at the time was in complete and utter turmoil. I remember crying my eyes out to Avril Lavigne's song "I'm With You" earlier in the day, wishing my soul mate would come find me and rescue me from this hell. Why couldn't I find him? Did I even have one?  I know I was young at the time but it was all I ever dreamed of. I wanted so disparately to find him. I put myself in quite a few awkward relationships thinking they were it until the mask came off and revealed a fraud.
        It was a Thursday night. I was meeting friends at a local pub we hung out at. The air laid thick with smoke and voices. As I sat with my friends discussing the issues of the day, I saw him. He was shooting pool at a table across the room. He immediately caught my attention. I gazed for a moment noticing his good looks. Then his eyes connected with mine and I quickly looked away. Out of the corner of my eye I could still see him looking at me. I couldn't help but smile.
        It seemed like he waited for the right moment because as soon as my friends left to get refills or to sing a song since it was Karaoke Night, he approached me. We made small conversation. I learned he just moved back from Ireland and was staying with his family who lived right down the street from where I worked.  I told him about work, where I grew up and things went from there. As I left that night he thanked me for the conversation and said he hoped to see me next week. I agreed and we parted.
        New Years happened and shortly after I broke it off with the current ass. It was quite liberating. I did it in one foul swoop. He couldn't believe it was so easy to do after being together for two years.
        The following Thursday I went to the same place, met the same friends and he appeared. We got back into conversation. He was so lovely and quite the gentleman. After some teasing comments one of my immature friends kept going on about, he kissed me. He kissed me on the pub's little stage in front of all onlookers. I thought I was going to faint. Then he insisted on going out that Saturday, in which of course I agreed.
        We had a wonderful date. I learned that he just got out of a relationship when he left Ireland. I explained my recent breakup and we agreed to be friends. Then of course the car ride home changed everything. The chemistry was so intense. We couldn't deny it. So we agreed to continue this and see what happens.
        We spent a wonderful January together. I had never felt this way about anyone before. He made me nervous inside. I became a complete klutz. I tried so hard to act normal but it would make me even more clumsy. He did make me want to be at my best.
         Then he ended it with the news he was getting back together with his ex-girlfriend and moving back to Ireland. I was completely crushed. I knew she only wanted him back because he told her about me. Jealousy does crazy things to people. I told him this but he still insisted so I unwillingly let him go.
        Then about three weeks later I met what will now be my ex-husband. We began a courtship. It wasn't the same as it was with Jim and I. It was more average. I tried to play it up more in my head than it was masking the pain I still carried. We dated for a few weeks or so. Then one Thursday night as I was waiting to meet him at the pub, in walks Jim.
        He explained to me I was right about his ex and that he wasn't moving. It broke my heart to explain I was seeing someone else. He was not happy but just left it at that.
        I would periodically run into Jim. Actually it happened more often than one could imagine. Then that summer would be the last time I would see him. He told me he was moving to Spain. It was the last time I saw him.
        Now as I stayed in the relationship with Russell, I thought about Jim from time to time. Each time I was slowly losing the memory of his face, how he smelled, his smile. It got to the point where I forgot his last name. When I got engaged, I tried swiping out the rest of it in hopes I wouldn't think of him again. I needed to move on so I could be a good wife. Unfortunately he was always there, huddled in the far corner of my mind holding on for dear life. He popped up from time to time in dreams.
        I thought I would never see or hear from him again until one day this past January, my friend located him on Facebook. I of course sent him a request for which he accepted within twenty minutes. So I sent him a note just saying hello and how are you? Nothing. No reply. A week went by. My sister finally brought to my attention that my status still said married. As soon as I changed it to separated he replied. We caught up a little. I learned he actually moved to England, lived there for seven years and moved back here in August. The ironic part was that was when my marriage took a turn for the worst. Then the conversation just stopped. No reply again.  He has made some small comments to things posted on Facebook but that's it. I am at the point where I have no idea what to think. I thought that when I recently changed my status to single I would have heard something. Not a peep. I don't know what to think at this point.
        I had a dream about him. He told me I hurt him. I got angry and ranted about him leaving to go back to with his ex. He pulled me to him and whispered the words, "Why couldn't you have just waited?" My heart sunk. Then he held me tight and said, "I won't let you go again." Then I woke up.
        So now here I am writing this blog at 2:35am not being able to sleep because his face fills my head. What is one to do in this situation? I tried telling myself to go to bed but my heart is still unsettled. I guess it'll just be another restless night.
        What do you do when the one you want more than life itself won't speak a word to you and you don't know why? You can't ask him because it may seem a bit pathetic.  This is always going to affect any current relationships. I am a defective product. The only way I will ever marry again is if the last name I'm taking is Kolar.

Winding Down

    In exactly one week from yesterday, I will be completely moved into my new place. I will have a new roommate who is such a dear friend. I will have gotten my cat back from the ex-husband. I'll actually be able to snuggle with her again. I will have no reason to stop by my old house and be hit with the feeling of misery as I walk through the door. All of my things will be out. So this means exactly one week from today, I'll be sitting on the front porch sipping coffee watching traffic go by enjoying a quiet Sunday.
     I am so excited to finally start the new chapter to my life of independence.  Once I get settled in I can finally concentrate on the one area of my life that has always hindered me, my career. I could never commit to one thing because I was so indecisive, which I think comes from putting everyone else before myself. I never got to find what I would want to do for the rest of my life. I love writing, singing, acting, but of course those are choices that are hard to get into so I always thought that it would be a waste to pursue. At this point in my life 'm thinking why not? Anything is possible! We'll see :)
   

As Reality Sets In

    So, being a single woman I have come face to face with the ultimate challenge. Finding that you are attracted to guys that you have dated in the past. I'm not talking about dating your ex, I'm talking about being attracted to the same type. What do you do?
    I had made the conscience decision to just have fun and get laid when I choose to. I keep running into guys that want to commit, but worse of all, one that I do like is a replica of men I've dated in the past. How do you deal with that?!
    Well I know it's early and I can just cut him loose but it doesn't help that fact I like being with him and I like talking to him. I find him interesting. Well the whole point though is to conquer the past and move forward. Not wade in the same waters. My head is telling me to leave it as a good time, but my heart has ADD and won't listen. Oh boy, decisions decisions....

What are we thinking?!

Okay I know it's been a minute since I have written on this blog, but I really need to get this off of my chest. Why is it that woman end up choosing the bad boy over the good guy? Unfortunately, I am in this situation. Although I am not sticking with either one since the last thing I need right now is a relationship, but there are two guys striving for my attention. One is the sweet knight in shining armor and the other is the Johnny Depp mysterious bad boy. I am finding myself more attracted to the bad boy. Now why is that?

I have sat and pondered this. I can not come up with a conclusion. I always thought I would choose the good guy if I ever was in this situation. Now being in the situation, it's just not the case. Maybe deep down inside somewhere I want someone to torture me? I don't get this. I have chemistry with both. Maybe it's their approach. The good guy is more subtle, attentive and gentle. The bad boy is suave, seductive and playful. If anyone has insight on this topic please leave it.

Learning Where to Focus

The biggest thing that I've been trying to work on is directing my focus off of others and onto myself. There is so much I want out of life. I want a better career. I want to travel and see the world of course. My biggest problem is always putting myself last in front of others instead of first.

Since my separation, I have reconnected with so many people and I've been spending time building stronger relationships but I am getting concerned I am not making time for myself anymore. I come home from work and run. Now that I'm not attached to a man's schedule, I have filled it with friends instead. I need to learn to balance and say no to plans once in a while.

I did make a list of goals for this year and accomplished quite a few. The biggest one is writing the first draft to my book. I was happy with the start of it but I haven't touched it in a month now. I sit in front of the computer and stare. Then i get distracted by Facebook and the T.V.

Bottom line is even after your marriage crumbles and your social calendar opens up, you need to book a little time for yourself to make sure you are on the right path and your focus is on what really matters.

Hello Gentlemen That are a Little too Young...

So the craziest thing is happening lately. I have become a guy magnet. The worst part about it is the men that are after me are in their twenties! I know you're thinking "Geez what seems to be the problem?!" Well I'll tell you what the problem is. It's the fact that I would much rather meet a mature male not a college frat boy. I have had enough experience with guys in their twenties to know they are still boys needing to find themselves. I don't want to play the mothering figure helping them find the light. It's time for someone to take care of me for once.

I would much rather expose myself to a different scale. Maybe meet someone who is seasoned in their career, who has a great self awareness, confident, secure, but still able to have a fun side. With my new found self, I would prefer to find someone who can appreciate me and not try to make me his extra parent. If this is a hard search then I rather be alone...

Trip great!

So Stratford was wonderful. I have never so many beautiful homes in one location before. It was a friendly and quaint town. Now the Stratford Shakespearian festival was fabulous. I toured the costume department and saw Richard III played by a woman! I know! It was some of the best acting I have ever witnessed. I'm writing just a short blog on this due to my increasing topics that will be coming up soon. Tune in...

Gearing Up

So I have one day left of work until my first trip on the list. I'm getting really excited. There was a slight change of plans. We are driving past Toronto and heading to Stratford instead. That is fine by me considering I have never been there as well. Plus, we added another single lady to the trip so this will be definitely the ladies weekend.

So I have been working on finding ways to travel to where I could go with a group but not have to have someone with me. The majority of tour websites, all of the prices listed don't include airfare. There is this really great tour company called Go Ahead Tours. They have this nice website where the airfare is actually included in the pricing. Also they provide some of the meals, which is a huge help. I am absolutely looking into this one trip they have listed for St. Patrick's Day in Ireland. The price is really reasonable considering airfare is outrageous! Now Ireland is my number one dream place to travel. I have a feeling that I will not want to come back after going there.

Well I will post as my trip to Stratford, ON commences...

And So It All Begins...

Well I was right. My first trip to my life of travel is a road trip to Toronto, Canada to see the Broadway production of Calendar Girls. I have never been to Toronto. I have been to Niagara Falls, both American and Canadian sides. This should be a good time. Not to mention I have never been on a road trip with this person before. I will make sure my camera is charged and ready to go.

Well this trip will happen next Friday. I have to make sure I am prepared and packed. I will definitely be blogging about it so stay tuned!

Anticipation

So a friend of mine, who I've only known a short while, called me after seeing the current show I'm in. Just a side note, I do community theater. She came to see me and really didn't stay too long. She called me on her way home to tell me how great I was and she loved the show. Then asked me quite the strange question, but for her not so strange. She asked me if I had a passport. Of course I do since I want to travel the world. Now I guess I'm waiting for more instructions to follow. She is suppose to send me out an email soon, either tonight or tomorrow. I'm not gonna lie. The suspense is killing me!

How crazy would it be if she took me somewhere. I don't know if I would be comfortable if someone paid for me but at least I may have someone to travel with even though I consciously made the decision just to go and not worry about taking someone with me. I'm really excited to hear about this idea. I wonder if it's to Canada or something like that. I wouldn't mind Mexico. My first thought was Italy just because any time someone mentions traveling to me that is what comes to mind. Well I will update you on what happens, even though no one reads my blog but that's okay. At least I'm getting out there...

Mother's Day

Well today is the day we pay tribute to the woman who spent ours in labor to give us life. The woman who sacrificed her freedom for dirty diapers and years of financial burdens. I thank you for everything thing you've done and who you are!

The Hard Ships

Since I am still going through the process of divorce, things are still shaky when I speak to my soon to be ex. The conversations are never easy. Things keep getting brought up. Why did you leave? When did your mind change and you didn't see growing old together anymore? I should have been a better husband. It just goes on and on. It breaks my heart every time I hear it but not enough to go back into it.

It's unfortunate that a book (which turned into a movie) had to wake me up and make me realize I was not in a good situation anymore. Because of issues in the past everything was built up and suppressed since I though nothing would changed. I did state my cases on many many occasions and yet nothing was solved. I lost my voice. I lost who I was and what I wanted out of life. I was an empty shell of a person. I even began losing my humor. That is definitely a HUGE problem since it's one of my best assets. I love to laugh but at the time I didn't as much as I use to.

When I was younger I was addicted to happy endings in movies and books. I loved the prince on the white horse with his mighty sword. I imagined him rescuing me from an evil monster and we road off into the sunset. I thought that once you found that prince life would be wonderful forever. They never explained the other garbage that happens after the I do's. Shame on all of the creators of fantasy for that one. Why couldn't they give us some tips to go along with the happy ending. Well anyways I learned after getting into a relationship that it was a lot of work. There was no such thing as a happy endings without getting dirty. Unfortunately due to the circumstances surrounding me leaving my marriage, I won't be able to look at him in the same light.

I think it's finally hitting him I'm not coming back into his life as his wife but as a friend. That is all I can give him after this. Sorry I had to let out some steam. I bet there are people out there going through the same situation. Hopefully someone finds this blog and tells me it'll eventually get easier...

Just a Thought...

I was exercising this morning and of course a dumb thought came to mind, dating again. Now I don't plan on dating for a long time because I haven't been single since I was twenty and I really have a lot to accomplish, but it is still something I will eventually need to consider.

Of course first impressions are very important so I need to maintain my weight and make sure my style is apparent. I'm so use to not caring as much with appearances so this is going to be a slight challenge. I kind of get excited thinking about it but also it terrifies me. What if I don't have it anymore? What if what I think is great is just short of crazy?

I really don't know if I would get married again. There is only one person I would consider, well maybe two. One of which I will never meet in a million years and the other, well I don't know if fate will let us cross paths again to that extent. Anyways, it was just a thought...

It's Just the Beginning

I am thirty-one and about to become legally solo. If you would have told me years ago that this is the direction my life will go, I probably would have laugh hysterically and told you off. But, I am determined to make the most with what I have. I am glowing with positivity and anticipation of what's to come. This is a new chapter. The possibilities are endless.

I decided I want to accomplish my dreams and desires. There are so many things I want to do before I kick the bucket. There is no time like the present to start. One of my first goals is traveling. I want to see the world. I want see places I read about in history books. Eventually I will get there but I'm starting small. In the fall I will be driving to Maine to have lobster. Christmas I might head out to California. We'll see.

I am tired of worrying about who I'm going to go with travel wise. So I have come to the conclusion if I can't find anyone to go with, I'm going solo. I will not waste another second holding off dreams because no one can share them with me. This is the phase of my life where I just need to take action. Well I hope people will want to continue reading. I know this first entry was pretty boring but it is the set up for more to come. Remember, it's just the beginning...