After spending an interesting night with the so called"bad boy", I have finally got a taste of what that relationship would be like. I was helping him with work. I went to get food for us and finally ended the night watching T.V. and passing out. Now this doesn't sound like any type of night that would define where this relationship goes, but you have to look closely, really closely.
Well when I arrived, there was no greeting. No recollection of him even excited to see me. Okay I'm not going to knit pick, but to me it's kind of important for you to show me that my efforts are noted. I didn't even get a kiss.
Then once work came to an end, I had to finally say something about food and on top of that, I had to go alone and get it. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm a big girl who can go get food by myself, but why was it my idea? Why did I have to worry about us? Also, I finally got a kiss...when I asked for it for all of the hard work I did. Hello problem. This is becoming a little too one sided for my liking.
So maybe you're thinking, "well this is the part where you leave him and pick the "good guy." Well you would be wrong. Even the good guy has his flaws. He's very attentive, kind, sweet and always trying to take care of me. The down side is he has a lot of growing to do. He needs to figure out what he wants for himself out life. He is not in any shape to put me before his needs.
When I got divorced, I made a vow to myself I would rather be single than get back in that type of enabling relationship. I want someone who will take care of me and my needs. Then in return I would take care of him. So far I haven't found that. It doesn't make me feel sad. I really don't want commitment at this point in life.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Sunday, July 17, 2011
I'm Broken and Unable to be Mended...Well, in One Aspect of Life
It's 1:35am and all I can think about is him. The one that has plagued me in my marriage and any future relationships that I will ever have. The one that somehow got away all because I couldn't wait it out nine years ago. You ask who is this person now? You have not talked about him. Well, there probably isn't anyone reading this but one can pretend. So I'm going to answer this question weighing on your imaginary mind.
His name is Jim. He was what I believe even now, you would call a soul mate. It's been nine years and I still play back the time we spent together. I made some poor choices then out of immaturity. I proved to fate I wasn't ready for him. So she took him away as quickly as he arrived.
I will never forget. We met on a cold December night just as my current relationship at the time was in complete and utter turmoil. I remember crying my eyes out to Avril Lavigne's song "I'm With You" earlier in the day, wishing my soul mate would come find me and rescue me from this hell. Why couldn't I find him? Did I even have one? I know I was young at the time but it was all I ever dreamed of. I wanted so disparately to find him. I put myself in quite a few awkward relationships thinking they were it until the mask came off and revealed a fraud.
It was a Thursday night. I was meeting friends at a local pub we hung out at. The air laid thick with smoke and voices. As I sat with my friends discussing the issues of the day, I saw him. He was shooting pool at a table across the room. He immediately caught my attention. I gazed for a moment noticing his good looks. Then his eyes connected with mine and I quickly looked away. Out of the corner of my eye I could still see him looking at me. I couldn't help but smile.
It seemed like he waited for the right moment because as soon as my friends left to get refills or to sing a song since it was Karaoke Night, he approached me. We made small conversation. I learned he just moved back from Ireland and was staying with his family who lived right down the street from where I worked. I told him about work, where I grew up and things went from there. As I left that night he thanked me for the conversation and said he hoped to see me next week. I agreed and we parted.
New Years happened and shortly after I broke it off with the current ass. It was quite liberating. I did it in one foul swoop. He couldn't believe it was so easy to do after being together for two years.
The following Thursday I went to the same place, met the same friends and he appeared. We got back into conversation. He was so lovely and quite the gentleman. After some teasing comments one of my immature friends kept going on about, he kissed me. He kissed me on the pub's little stage in front of all onlookers. I thought I was going to faint. Then he insisted on going out that Saturday, in which of course I agreed.
We had a wonderful date. I learned that he just got out of a relationship when he left Ireland. I explained my recent breakup and we agreed to be friends. Then of course the car ride home changed everything. The chemistry was so intense. We couldn't deny it. So we agreed to continue this and see what happens.
We spent a wonderful January together. I had never felt this way about anyone before. He made me nervous inside. I became a complete klutz. I tried so hard to act normal but it would make me even more clumsy. He did make me want to be at my best.
Then he ended it with the news he was getting back together with his ex-girlfriend and moving back to Ireland. I was completely crushed. I knew she only wanted him back because he told her about me. Jealousy does crazy things to people. I told him this but he still insisted so I unwillingly let him go.
Then about three weeks later I met what will now be my ex-husband. We began a courtship. It wasn't the same as it was with Jim and I. It was more average. I tried to play it up more in my head than it was masking the pain I still carried. We dated for a few weeks or so. Then one Thursday night as I was waiting to meet him at the pub, in walks Jim.
He explained to me I was right about his ex and that he wasn't moving. It broke my heart to explain I was seeing someone else. He was not happy but just left it at that.
I would periodically run into Jim. Actually it happened more often than one could imagine. Then that summer would be the last time I would see him. He told me he was moving to Spain. It was the last time I saw him.
Now as I stayed in the relationship with Russell, I thought about Jim from time to time. Each time I was slowly losing the memory of his face, how he smelled, his smile. It got to the point where I forgot his last name. When I got engaged, I tried swiping out the rest of it in hopes I wouldn't think of him again. I needed to move on so I could be a good wife. Unfortunately he was always there, huddled in the far corner of my mind holding on for dear life. He popped up from time to time in dreams.
I thought I would never see or hear from him again until one day this past January, my friend located him on Facebook. I of course sent him a request for which he accepted within twenty minutes. So I sent him a note just saying hello and how are you? Nothing. No reply. A week went by. My sister finally brought to my attention that my status still said married. As soon as I changed it to separated he replied. We caught up a little. I learned he actually moved to England, lived there for seven years and moved back here in August. The ironic part was that was when my marriage took a turn for the worst. Then the conversation just stopped. No reply again. He has made some small comments to things posted on Facebook but that's it. I am at the point where I have no idea what to think. I thought that when I recently changed my status to single I would have heard something. Not a peep. I don't know what to think at this point.
I had a dream about him. He told me I hurt him. I got angry and ranted about him leaving to go back to with his ex. He pulled me to him and whispered the words, "Why couldn't you have just waited?" My heart sunk. Then he held me tight and said, "I won't let you go again." Then I woke up.
So now here I am writing this blog at 2:35am not being able to sleep because his face fills my head. What is one to do in this situation? I tried telling myself to go to bed but my heart is still unsettled. I guess it'll just be another restless night.
What do you do when the one you want more than life itself won't speak a word to you and you don't know why? You can't ask him because it may seem a bit pathetic. This is always going to affect any current relationships. I am a defective product. The only way I will ever marry again is if the last name I'm taking is Kolar.
His name is Jim. He was what I believe even now, you would call a soul mate. It's been nine years and I still play back the time we spent together. I made some poor choices then out of immaturity. I proved to fate I wasn't ready for him. So she took him away as quickly as he arrived.
I will never forget. We met on a cold December night just as my current relationship at the time was in complete and utter turmoil. I remember crying my eyes out to Avril Lavigne's song "I'm With You" earlier in the day, wishing my soul mate would come find me and rescue me from this hell. Why couldn't I find him? Did I even have one? I know I was young at the time but it was all I ever dreamed of. I wanted so disparately to find him. I put myself in quite a few awkward relationships thinking they were it until the mask came off and revealed a fraud.
It was a Thursday night. I was meeting friends at a local pub we hung out at. The air laid thick with smoke and voices. As I sat with my friends discussing the issues of the day, I saw him. He was shooting pool at a table across the room. He immediately caught my attention. I gazed for a moment noticing his good looks. Then his eyes connected with mine and I quickly looked away. Out of the corner of my eye I could still see him looking at me. I couldn't help but smile.
It seemed like he waited for the right moment because as soon as my friends left to get refills or to sing a song since it was Karaoke Night, he approached me. We made small conversation. I learned he just moved back from Ireland and was staying with his family who lived right down the street from where I worked. I told him about work, where I grew up and things went from there. As I left that night he thanked me for the conversation and said he hoped to see me next week. I agreed and we parted.
New Years happened and shortly after I broke it off with the current ass. It was quite liberating. I did it in one foul swoop. He couldn't believe it was so easy to do after being together for two years.
The following Thursday I went to the same place, met the same friends and he appeared. We got back into conversation. He was so lovely and quite the gentleman. After some teasing comments one of my immature friends kept going on about, he kissed me. He kissed me on the pub's little stage in front of all onlookers. I thought I was going to faint. Then he insisted on going out that Saturday, in which of course I agreed.
We had a wonderful date. I learned that he just got out of a relationship when he left Ireland. I explained my recent breakup and we agreed to be friends. Then of course the car ride home changed everything. The chemistry was so intense. We couldn't deny it. So we agreed to continue this and see what happens.We spent a wonderful January together. I had never felt this way about anyone before. He made me nervous inside. I became a complete klutz. I tried so hard to act normal but it would make me even more clumsy. He did make me want to be at my best.
Then he ended it with the news he was getting back together with his ex-girlfriend and moving back to Ireland. I was completely crushed. I knew she only wanted him back because he told her about me. Jealousy does crazy things to people. I told him this but he still insisted so I unwillingly let him go.
Then about three weeks later I met what will now be my ex-husband. We began a courtship. It wasn't the same as it was with Jim and I. It was more average. I tried to play it up more in my head than it was masking the pain I still carried. We dated for a few weeks or so. Then one Thursday night as I was waiting to meet him at the pub, in walks Jim.
He explained to me I was right about his ex and that he wasn't moving. It broke my heart to explain I was seeing someone else. He was not happy but just left it at that.
I would periodically run into Jim. Actually it happened more often than one could imagine. Then that summer would be the last time I would see him. He told me he was moving to Spain. It was the last time I saw him.
Now as I stayed in the relationship with Russell, I thought about Jim from time to time. Each time I was slowly losing the memory of his face, how he smelled, his smile. It got to the point where I forgot his last name. When I got engaged, I tried swiping out the rest of it in hopes I wouldn't think of him again. I needed to move on so I could be a good wife. Unfortunately he was always there, huddled in the far corner of my mind holding on for dear life. He popped up from time to time in dreams.
I thought I would never see or hear from him again until one day this past January, my friend located him on Facebook. I of course sent him a request for which he accepted within twenty minutes. So I sent him a note just saying hello and how are you? Nothing. No reply. A week went by. My sister finally brought to my attention that my status still said married. As soon as I changed it to separated he replied. We caught up a little. I learned he actually moved to England, lived there for seven years and moved back here in August. The ironic part was that was when my marriage took a turn for the worst. Then the conversation just stopped. No reply again. He has made some small comments to things posted on Facebook but that's it. I am at the point where I have no idea what to think. I thought that when I recently changed my status to single I would have heard something. Not a peep. I don't know what to think at this point.
I had a dream about him. He told me I hurt him. I got angry and ranted about him leaving to go back to with his ex. He pulled me to him and whispered the words, "Why couldn't you have just waited?" My heart sunk. Then he held me tight and said, "I won't let you go again." Then I woke up.
So now here I am writing this blog at 2:35am not being able to sleep because his face fills my head. What is one to do in this situation? I tried telling myself to go to bed but my heart is still unsettled. I guess it'll just be another restless night.
What do you do when the one you want more than life itself won't speak a word to you and you don't know why? You can't ask him because it may seem a bit pathetic. This is always going to affect any current relationships. I am a defective product. The only way I will ever marry again is if the last name I'm taking is Kolar.
Winding Down
In exactly one week from yesterday, I will be completely moved into my new place. I will have a new roommate who is such a dear friend. I will have gotten my cat back from the ex-husband. I'll actually be able to snuggle with her again. I will have no reason to stop by my old house and be hit with the feeling of misery as I walk through the door. All of my things will be out. So this means exactly one week from today, I'll be sitting on the front porch sipping coffee watching traffic go by enjoying a quiet Sunday.
I am so excited to finally start the new chapter to my life of independence. Once I get settled in I can finally concentrate on the one area of my life that has always hindered me, my career. I could never commit to one thing because I was so indecisive, which I think comes from putting everyone else before myself. I never got to find what I would want to do for the rest of my life. I love writing, singing, acting, but of course those are choices that are hard to get into so I always thought that it would be a waste to pursue. At this point in my life 'm thinking why not? Anything is possible! We'll see :)
I am so excited to finally start the new chapter to my life of independence. Once I get settled in I can finally concentrate on the one area of my life that has always hindered me, my career. I could never commit to one thing because I was so indecisive, which I think comes from putting everyone else before myself. I never got to find what I would want to do for the rest of my life. I love writing, singing, acting, but of course those are choices that are hard to get into so I always thought that it would be a waste to pursue. At this point in my life 'm thinking why not? Anything is possible! We'll see :)
Monday, July 11, 2011
As Reality Sets In
So, being a single woman I have come face to face with the ultimate challenge. Finding that you are attracted to guys that you have dated in the past. I'm not talking about dating your ex, I'm talking about being attracted to the same type. What do you do?
I had made the conscience decision to just have fun and get laid when I choose to. I keep running into guys that want to commit, but worse of all, one that I do like is a replica of men I've dated in the past. How do you deal with that?!
Well I know it's early and I can just cut him loose but it doesn't help that fact I like being with him and I like talking to him. I find him interesting. Well the whole point though is to conquer the past and move forward. Not wade in the same waters. My head is telling me to leave it as a good time, but my heart has ADD and won't listen. Oh boy, decisions decisions....
I had made the conscience decision to just have fun and get laid when I choose to. I keep running into guys that want to commit, but worse of all, one that I do like is a replica of men I've dated in the past. How do you deal with that?!
Well I know it's early and I can just cut him loose but it doesn't help that fact I like being with him and I like talking to him. I find him interesting. Well the whole point though is to conquer the past and move forward. Not wade in the same waters. My head is telling me to leave it as a good time, but my heart has ADD and won't listen. Oh boy, decisions decisions....
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