The Hard Ships

Since I am still going through the process of divorce, things are still shaky when I speak to my soon to be ex. The conversations are never easy. Things keep getting brought up. Why did you leave? When did your mind change and you didn't see growing old together anymore? I should have been a better husband. It just goes on and on. It breaks my heart every time I hear it but not enough to go back into it.

It's unfortunate that a book (which turned into a movie) had to wake me up and make me realize I was not in a good situation anymore. Because of issues in the past everything was built up and suppressed since I though nothing would changed. I did state my cases on many many occasions and yet nothing was solved. I lost my voice. I lost who I was and what I wanted out of life. I was an empty shell of a person. I even began losing my humor. That is definitely a HUGE problem since it's one of my best assets. I love to laugh but at the time I didn't as much as I use to.

When I was younger I was addicted to happy endings in movies and books. I loved the prince on the white horse with his mighty sword. I imagined him rescuing me from an evil monster and we road off into the sunset. I thought that once you found that prince life would be wonderful forever. They never explained the other garbage that happens after the I do's. Shame on all of the creators of fantasy for that one. Why couldn't they give us some tips to go along with the happy ending. Well anyways I learned after getting into a relationship that it was a lot of work. There was no such thing as a happy endings without getting dirty. Unfortunately due to the circumstances surrounding me leaving my marriage, I won't be able to look at him in the same light.

I think it's finally hitting him I'm not coming back into his life as his wife but as a friend. That is all I can give him after this. Sorry I had to let out some steam. I bet there are people out there going through the same situation. Hopefully someone finds this blog and tells me it'll eventually get easier...

Just a Thought...

I was exercising this morning and of course a dumb thought came to mind, dating again. Now I don't plan on dating for a long time because I haven't been single since I was twenty and I really have a lot to accomplish, but it is still something I will eventually need to consider.

Of course first impressions are very important so I need to maintain my weight and make sure my style is apparent. I'm so use to not caring as much with appearances so this is going to be a slight challenge. I kind of get excited thinking about it but also it terrifies me. What if I don't have it anymore? What if what I think is great is just short of crazy?

I really don't know if I would get married again. There is only one person I would consider, well maybe two. One of which I will never meet in a million years and the other, well I don't know if fate will let us cross paths again to that extent. Anyways, it was just a thought...

It's Just the Beginning

I am thirty-one and about to become legally solo. If you would have told me years ago that this is the direction my life will go, I probably would have laugh hysterically and told you off. But, I am determined to make the most with what I have. I am glowing with positivity and anticipation of what's to come. This is a new chapter. The possibilities are endless.

I decided I want to accomplish my dreams and desires. There are so many things I want to do before I kick the bucket. There is no time like the present to start. One of my first goals is traveling. I want to see the world. I want see places I read about in history books. Eventually I will get there but I'm starting small. In the fall I will be driving to Maine to have lobster. Christmas I might head out to California. We'll see.

I am tired of worrying about who I'm going to go with travel wise. So I have come to the conclusion if I can't find anyone to go with, I'm going solo. I will not waste another second holding off dreams because no one can share them with me. This is the phase of my life where I just need to take action. Well I hope people will want to continue reading. I know this first entry was pretty boring but it is the set up for more to come. Remember, it's just the beginning...