Changing Focus

Well now that the relationship side of me is calming down, I am pulling more focus to the fact that I have a huge trip planned to California at the end of the year. I am so excited! This will be one more place off of my list. I will be flying out on December 22nd with my good friend Eric. We are staying with his family out there. We'll be going to Hollywood, Disneyland, wine country and anywhere else he wants to take me. Then we are taking the train back home and ringing in the New Years. I have never been on a train before. I wanted to do as much as I can. I have to catch up on the years I lost sitting around not traveling.
John is sad I won't be around for the holidays. This will definitely be a test for us. I have a superstition about New Years. The person you are with on New Years Eve, is the person you'll be with the rest of the year. I think I broke that last New Years when I was with Clay. He moved to New York a month later. So I think I'm free of that. It'll be fine. He can just suck it up. Besides I told him he can kiss someone on New Years, but just a peck.

Thinking Things Through

John stayed over Friday night. It was pretty wonderful having him around. All Saturday morning we just lounged. Well, the topic of marriage did come up as a hypothetical. Now, I am in now way shape or form to get married again. He hasn't even said I love you yet. Even if I do go down that path it won't be for years. Let's face it, I'm not the best in choosing men and I don't want a sticky divorce again. That was painful enough the first time. Having said that, we worked out details. The one truly thing wrong with the picture, I would have to be what is called the bread winner. That did not sit well with me. I understand he is radio and dj's on the side, but you can't expect to live like that forever and have someone else pick up the slack. You're the man for crying out loud.
Knowing this is how he's viewing what a long term relationship would look like, I may reevaluate a few things. For starters, the one key thing I have been wanting from the next long term relationship is someone to take care of me for once. The problem is when you say that, do you mean emotionally or financially? Money has never been priority in my life. I make enough to enjoy life, not to where I struggle. Now bringing someone else into the equation, I would want them to be as equal. I don't want to have to change my lifestyle because of artistic differences. Well, not to mention, I want to be the creative one. I hate working the typical job. I want to write and be creative. If you have the college education, You need to do something more with it.
Point two, does he really think he can be just a DJ for the rest of his life? Is there really a future in that? I mean it's good for now, but there is only so far you can go with that unless you own your own company and have people underneath you. I know Jerry and him are going into business together, but areas are so saturated with DJ companies. How much business can you expect to get? What if you need to take a vacation? Who covers then? If you get sick, what about insurance? You're sure as hell not going on my plan and jacking my rates up. Then of course there is the flirting thing. Do I really care to hear about the women flaunting over my soon to be husband? I find that to be immature and ridiculous. I am too old for that game.
Bottom line, this will get brought up again at some point. It's inevitable. I'll just say, don't get too comfortable. You may have to man up and take responsibilities for your family's future if this is the direction we go in eventually. I can not be the only one doing all of the work.
Now, emotionally, he is very supportive and caring. He pays attention to my needs. He can sense when I'm upset. He doesn't push the envelope. I know he would do what ever needed to be done to make me happy. Is this what I mean by taking care of me?
I'm kind of lost in translation on this one. This is why with time and patience hopefully these questions will be answered.

So in Conclusion.....

So I ended up talking everything out. Of course there is good explanation. It was exactly how I thought. He was just posing for a picture. Unfortunately the girl who took it didn't post the rest of them. He was so apologetic. We discussed things. I closed with what I thought was the perfect statement. I said" I don't want to come across as the girlfriend who freaks about everything but, just mind your actions. I feel better since we actually talked about things. Previous relationships, I would make myself sick just thinking about what the other person would say. "You're overreacting! What are you talking about? you're psycho. It doesn't look bad, blah blah blah." I use to run every scenario through my mind to prepare myself for the worst. With Jack, it's something I need to get over. He is not like that in the least. I have to remember he is not like the rest. He doesn't fly off the handle as quickly. He listens to what i have to say.

Minus this incident, this relationship has been one of the best. I am keeping my fingers crossed that maybe this might be something long term. I am not one for dating. It's so awkward and you never know if you're saying or doing the right thing. I just prefer to step out of the market. Just because your off doesn't mean you can't be a sassy independent. You had to know at some point I was going to use that in a blog. :)

Interesting....To Say the Least....

Well I broke down and decided to be exclusive with the younging and things are great until this morning. I'm not sure how to feel about this yet. I feel like I want to pounce him on this but yet what if it was innocent and I'm just being stupid.
Well my new found boyfriend went out with some friends, of course I couldn't go. I had rehearsal and besides it was far away. This morning I woke up feeling so wanted when I received his text message from last night saying he wished I was there. It felt good for once to have someone I'm seeing think about me when I would think they were too busy. Then I got on facebook this morning and came across a picture taken last night of him with some strange girl in his lap. Hmm... What would you do? Of course I had to post the picture. Any thoughts? My first reaction was, "WTF," but then I thought maybe there is an explanation.

Now I have only known the guy since June. I don't want to jump to any conclusions, but my bottom line is, when I'm with someone, I am aware of my actions. I think with the other person in mind. Now having said that, I'm freaking out in my mind because what if he is one of these guys who think it's appropriate to allow women to hang on them because they know who they are coming home to. I just don't care for that in the least. Have respect for your partner and don't put yourself in that situation. You can politely say, "Get the f*** out of my lap please." You don't have to let them do what they want just to save face.
I just hate dating. This sucks. You never know the person you make the commitment to until later down the relationship when you are already attached. Well I have no problems kicking them to the curb. I want what I want. if I can't get it, it's time to move on. Thank you for listening to my rant of the day.

Saying Goodbye

Well I have come to the painful conclusion it's time to let Jim go. I can not keep beating myself up about the past and my choices. I can not sit here and think there is a possibility that we will be together. He lives in North Carolina. I'm here in Ohio. He hasn't even tried to keep good contact with me. Even after I sent him messages, the conversations have been dropped. I don't I want to be with someone who doesn't want to make the effort. I love myself more than that and I deserve better.
I can't dwell in the past when there are so many possibilities in the future. So I wrote him a goodbye letter on my computer to relieve some of the things I would like to say to him, but if I did he would think I'm crazy. I will keep it tucked away and never look at it again. For I will cry my last tears over "The One That Got Away" and I will hold my head up high and press on. For life is too short and too precious to stay still. Not to mention, I don't want to carry this baggage with me when someone wonderful comes along. They don't need that burden. I need to give myself completely and not think about him anymore. His chapter is closed for good. Goodbye Jim. I wish you a happy life, good health, and above all, love. Goodbye....

You have Got to be Kidding Me?!

SO Jack, the younger gentleman,and I have been unofficially dating. Well I finally told the "nice guy" about us seeing each other. Now, don't get me wrong, I understand that he was going to be upset. I actually counted on it. I tried really hard to make this as easy as possible, but I didn't account for this type of reaction.
He proceeded to only make comments about himself. "Oh this keeps happening to me. Oh woe is me. I'm use to another man charming people away from me, etc..." Never once did he say to me, "I just want you to be happy." Even after I went on and on about I want him to be okay. I don't want this to hinder our friendship. I care about you. I'm worried about you. He did not say anything. Then he tells Jack not to bring me around if he's there. HELLO!! We have the same friends. Who are you to dictate my relationship!? What a selfish little boy! I never once said that what we had was going to amount to anything. I said this is just for fun. It is not my fault that he decided to fall. Not my problem. I tried so hard to make sure that he was okay. What do I get in return? Nothing. Not even a thanks for being honest with me. Oh he did say good luck. What the hell is that suppose to mean?
Sorry for the rant. Sometimes my emotions get the best of me.

The Younger Gentleman

Well, I have a couple things to say this morning. First, on Monday, I had one of the most romantic nights with a certain gentleman. We stayed at a hotel with an in room Jacuzzi. He had candles, champagne, and rose peddles in the bath. It was amazing. But of course reality hits me and I'm kind of overwhelmed. This gentleman is eight years younger. I have officially hit cougar status and I'm only thirty-one. Yikes!
Although we are not officially dating, that possibility is definitely there. He is sweet, manly, attentive, and compassionate. All things that I am looking for. I just don't know if I can get pass the age thing. I don't know if he is done with the party stage of life. I am well over all of that. The friends he has, are they like frat guys? He claims to know who he is and the direction he is going, but is it actually true? Does he just think this when in reality there is a lot of growing up to do? He is definitely mature for his age. I will give him that but is he mature enough? Then there is the own the road things in life. He claims that if he doesn't have kids that's fine. Well, considering I think I don't ever want kids, he may not have a chance if he sticks with me. Then there is the fact I'm still not sure about getting into a relationship too son. He understands this, which is good but how long will he stick around before growing tired of me?
I wish I had more answers instead of an abundance of questions. The only thing I can do now at this point is control my behavior and not dwell on it. This is going to be hard considering I'm naturally an over analyzing person...